She's Falling Apart
They pull up our chairs to the table.
She stares at the food on her plate
At the toast and the butter, her father and mother,
she pushes away.
And they rise in the morning,
and they sleep in the dark.
And even though nobody's looking,
she's falling apart.
She gets home from school too early
and closes the door to her room
There's nothing inside her,
she's weak and she's tired of feeling like this.
And they rise in the morning,
and they sleep in the dark.
And even though nobody's looking,
she's falling apart.
They call her for dinner, she makes up a reason
she looks at her arms and she rolls down her sleeves
and her mother is starting to see through her lies
and last night her father had tears in his eyes.
And they rise in the morning,
and they sleep in the dark.
And even though nobody's looking,
she's falling apart.
And we rise in the morning
and we sleep in the dark
and even though nobody's looking,
she's falling apart.
-lisa loeb

good bye my german friend! how i'm going to miss you.
thank you for teaching me
you've shown me how to live freely. and you've made me realize how many people there are out there to meet- i'm thankful that you were one of them. thanks for going to the club with me- experiencing that new level of a great-night-out. thank you for talking with me, and being my friend. thank you for being open to the people in my life. thank you for making me a better person.
you're a beautiful spirit
i am going to miss you terribly

she was feathers on the lampshade
sticks and twigs in a vase
she was lighthouse coasters on the table
and the smile on my face

she was plants in the window
and pictures of geese on the wall
she was stuffed animals on the sofa
and boy, she loved them all

she was pens and pencils in a cup
and post-it-notes, too
she was what love was all about

gma alice, i'm sure gonna miss you

I am me- and that's what matters.

fillded with ideas that don't have words. i can't even understand them. ten thousand million things running through my mind- and i don't see any chance of daylight. maybe you brought the fog lights... i obviously left mine at home... as usual.

what kind of person am I? I like to think of myself as overly compassionate and caring. I like to tell people I'm a straight A student and a dedicated volunteer. I tend to tell people that I can make friends in a heartbeat and am a great mediator when it comes to human conflict. truth is i fall somewhat short of what i say. okay, a lot short. i am compassionate- but only to my close friends- otherwise i can be pretty cold hearted. if by straight A's i mean that 6 of the seven grades are B's and the seventh is a P for pass, then yeah i guess that's true. i love to volunteer - although i have lost some drive. now that i've moved up in the ranks it seems easy to lose sight of what i am there for. truth is i can't make friends real easy, i can be picky and turn people away without giving them a real chance... man.
i'm pretty lousy when it comes down to it.

i want the rain to come back- so i can dance among the puddles. i want to find you there- under the street light. i want to fill the world with laughter. i want to watch the trees sway in warm fall morning- i want to run wildly in a field until there isn't a blade of grass untouched. and then do it all over again.

i find myself sleepless again. here i dwell, in this blank space that is craving my attention. i am attempting to put words together in a fashion that moves me. words that are of my feelings, desires, dreams... and failures. although i feel quite lost in how to do so. i can't think straight- there's just a bunch of different things running through my mind. how do you tell someone you don't love them as much as they do you? how do you tell someone you would run away with them in a heartbeat- but not today? how do you say goodbye to someone you love more than words could ever describe? how do you move forward when you have no motivation?

guess you just do.
lousy.

i bury my eyes into the plumpness of my arm, recalling all the ways i felt today.
woke up in disbelief because i didn't think the sun could rsie without grandma to shine for.
spent my morning aimlessly pulling words from thin air and scribbling them onto my psychology final
my afternoon was fairly non existant.
my evening was exhilirating and joyful, magical and full of the best kinds of friendship
my night so passionate- yet empty. and lonely.
now i'm just tired. and restless all at the same time

i was running away with my thoughts today. i was going to stop by your place- seems me and my mind run there often. we prance around in your yard with words of passion and desperation, but we're usually behind the tree- we don't want to disturb you.
we went into the train station too- picked up a brochure of all the places you and i could go to. close your eyes and point to one. no stop. on second thought, throw the schedule out and lets just go. you can sit next to the window, watch the world whiz by. i can lean on your shoulder and watch too...holding hands, listening to you breathe, and soaking in your radiating art... i'll rest on your feelings of joy to finally be gone. sigh. me too, me too.

CHUG chug chug chug CHUG chug chug chug TSZSssss TOOT TOOT !!!!!
H a p p i n e s s.

P O P
Oh, figures. I'm just dreaming.

"blah blah blah" says life.

(i've heard this speech before.)

it was at the end of the night- after the BLT for lunch, jamba juice and nuggets for snack, and a gyros pizza for dinner
it was at the end of the night- after the candles and cards, the piercing and the movie
it was at the end of the night- after the hellos and hugs, the laughs and smiles, hugs and goodbyes
it was at the end of the night- after i locked the bolt on the door, watched everyone drive away
i realized.
it was a happy birthday afterall.

i'd like to move my birthday to later this week- do you think we could maybe reschedule? see grandmas coming home from the hospital that day- and going into a strange home she wont recognize- at least she's on the right pills this time ... and i've also got to be at work- they need me since there are only so many of us working there these. and, guess that'll be okay as long as i can get to my pills at about eleven, five, and eight so that i wont break out in hives again... and i was just thinking- since i only get to turn 18 once- can we move it to a day where i can have that be the only thing penciled in? that'd be great.

His laughter tinkled among the teacups
t.s.eliot

my dad, who knows nothing about me anymore, gave me a book for my 18th birthday (because it's a dad thing to do..i guess) the book is "Bartlett's Familiar Quotations"... i'm suprised he knows i like quotes.. i marked a page in it because i must have read something i liked- going through it again, i find marked words that i have heard before. i thought i would have remembered why i marked the page- but this isn't what i thought it was. it's better. maybe it was just art. i think you might know this one...

"I bequeath myself to the dirt to grown from the grass i love,
if you want me again look for me under your boot-soles"
-walt whitman

i hope to catch you online tonight. if these drugs don't get the better of me that is.

i almost made it through my childhood without ever laying in a hospital bed because there was something wrong with me. i always thought of throwing myself out of a tree- just for the attention ... well, just yesterday, five days before adulthood was the first day- a mysterious reaction turned my skin into a field of hives. my skin was on fire and itched like a problem that i though would never get solved. two shots of adrenaline and two steriod pills later, i thought at last i would be okay. but i guess my new-found allergies thought differently. four hours later, 2am (now a meer four days till the big 18), the hives return in larger numbers and angrier than before. i quickly found myself wantering my way into the ER at my local hospital. itching like crazy. i was given an iv and some more drugs through the iv. finally- the redness went away dripped away with the iv. the sent me home with three prescriptions. i get to take 11 pills a day. at all different times. careful what you wish for, eh?

FUCKING CANCER! grandma has been good to this world. better than most can ever strive for. and she did it just by sheer nature- it was her way. but no... you knew she was too old, too frail, too weak to be treated. you had to walk your fucking self into my extrordinary grandmother's brain and ruin her life. fuckin ruin mine. because we know that now, she'll fade away, into frickin oblvian. forgetting her name, forgetting my name, losing her sight, losing her mind. losing who she is. thanks you fucking asshole AAHHHRGGG!!!!

i'd fall into your arms sobbing if i knew where it was you are keeping yourself these days. i need you more than i think i do and instead i am pushing you only further away. the seconds tick away into mindless drivel, i find myslef constantly sitting on edge waiting to hear any new words from you. content in the feeling of never being truly lost. bottled inside me is a passion i don't know what to do with- my passion is art. (i know that much) for it is something, and isn't everything art?!

walking through a forest of naked trees. most are dormant and in rest for the season, others...no longer living. but rather than having their bodies put away into boxes and buried, they lay quietly upon their sustainer or continue to stand solemnly in silenced pride until someone decides they are cold. i come upon a tangled mess of limbs like hair teased in a comb's nightmare and can't tell one tree from another- they, together, reach high into the bright-grey, overcast sky. each contrasting limb sways gently in the earth's movement. i feel it in my bones- as if they were the very same limbs on the very same trees. natural, naked movement.